mynameiscat's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My FeeLiNgS WiLL nEvEr FaDe so last night, i went to bed around 8:30pm or so. it may have been a little bit later, but i'm pretty sure it was around then that i fell asleep. i was waiting for a phone call, but it's okay that i didn't get it. it serves me right. i haven't regretted much up to this point, and esp. nothing with him, but i regret yesterday. i regret everything i said. i hate how people want to ask what is wrong and push until you tell and then it turns out that they really either can't handle what you're saying, or just don't want to hear. i realized that when i was talking to baby nen last night and she asked what was wrong and i kinda went from doing the teary eyed thing to the yelling thing and she just looked at me and told me to stop and leave. i think it was a good thing at first that we were the same in this kind of way, but now that we are both crashing at the same time, neither of us can really help the other and the things we hear about how the other is feeling just hurts us more and causes guilt. the feelings will never fade, not from me anyway. it doesn't matter what happens, the feelings will never fade. i don't love him or think any less of him since the day i met him. it may have grown a lot since then, but nothing has disappeared in the way i see him. i have thought about this a lot, as he wanted me to do, and i think that i was right when i started moving downhill last week, or maybe it was this week, whenever, but i think i am going to lose him. i think that this, us being the way we are, is not a good thing. i either need someone extremely close or no one near me at all and to have it be almost half way right now will be my downfall. i love him so much. he is sometimes why i breath, why i take in the next breathe. i do not want to lose him over my moods or his moods, but this is the ugly banged up side of the package that i am. if i was a box, you're now seeing the side that the mailman kicked and dropped in water on his way to deliver it. this side of me is falling apart, but the rest of me is beautiful, shiny and new, smiling, in love, happy. it's just this one side that someone will turn me over to every once and awhile that is sad and depressed. he isn't the one that turned me over either, it wasn't someone this time, or maybe it was, but i know it wasn't him. i put something under my pillow because they say that you can influence your dreams that way, kind of get a glimse into what will be, and i saw the most beautiful thing, but it's going to take us remembering this love that we have, trusting in it, and keeping our hearts open to each other. if our feelings toward each other stay even when the rest of our feelings for everything else have depleated, we will make it. i can still see the happily ever after ending, even through the mess i have created. i'm sorry that i take the things you say so seriously sometimes, your fears, the questions you ask, but now is when you get to see how i take them in. it scares me because you think that way, but i think that way too. constantly. there are always two sides to every story and the other one in this is the other thing i think about constantly: while i'm thinking about how scary it is to be with you, i'm also thinking about how much i love being with you, how much i love you. so more than this is to everyone to read, you know that it is to you, because right now, after so much sleep and thought, i am writing this because i know you will read it. i know that you still care and that you still love me, and that we will make it through this. although i'm still not 100% out, i am getting there. keep saying your beautiful words to me, even when they hurt, keep saying them to me. i want to know everything, still. i want this to continue to grow, i want us to continue to thrive, even when we have our bad days. i love you. catherine 8:00 a.m. - 2003-03-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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